Still Struggling - October 2020

October 29th....

I have been oscillating between wanting to vent but also wanting to keep my private life private. I know there are some who think that dirty laundry should be hidden in the deep recesses of your mind's closets...but I see things differently. I have always put myself "out there" (to whatever extent I feel comfortable doing so) as a way to connect with others, humble myself, maybe even help others who are in similar situations. So many times people feel alone and they are the only one going through something. And that makes it 1,000 times harder than it already is. Just knowing you aren't alone helps. That's why I'm here and doing what I do. To let you know that you are not alone.

Also...secrecy and their victim's shame is what helps give an abuser power. It's a lot easier to be a horrible human being to someone when you are in the privacy of the dark and shadows. Too many victims stay quiet for a variety of reasons...and that doesn't usually protect them.

I have decided to come on here today and give an update to the nightmare that this divorce has become. Because the marriage itself was so smooth, right? ::sigh::

I want to say this right off the bat: I'm not perfect. I wasn't the perfect wife. I tried. I wanted to be. But it didn't always work out that way. And with my ex being a narcissist, he knew which buttons to push to shove me over the edge. He even admitted this on occasion of how entertaining he found it to be to see how far he could push me. 

But I truly and deeply wanted this divorce to be amicable. I wanted the kids to see that the process didn't have to be nasty and that we could remain friends. I had suggested us working together to have an uncontested divorce, where we would both sit down and talk through everything we each wanted and agree on it beforehand. No fighting or drama. Just two adults being decent to each other.

Spoiler alert: that's now how this is going. At all.

He hasn't paid child support since this past April. That's almost 7 months that I have been the sole provider for our 5 children (plus my daughter from a previous relationship). He hasn't called to talk to the children since this past April, when he called Levi for his birthday. The children would try to call he disconnected their phones. He didn't even call to check on them through the coronavirus crisis.

He picks and chooses which children he would like to visit with. His new girlfriend has apparently decided that she doesn't want teen stepchildren, so he completely wiped Mahri & Christian off the board. He raised Mahri since she was a baby...she called him Dad since she was a year old. So, to her, losing him was like losing a dad.

 He doesn't even acknowledge the teens. Didn't even call Christian on his 17th birthday.

As a mom, this breaks my heart. To have your parents go through a divorce is hard enough. But to actually have one of your parents basically disown you, especially through no fault of your own, is heart breaking. Whether they admit that or not. 

I do my best to keep them all happy and fill our time with things to do, when I can.

* sorry for the abrupt


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