Monday, August 29, 2016

6 weeks along! with Baby #5

Week 6
August 20-August 26





I'm doing much better than I was in my first post.

Boy, let me tell you, that was quite a surprise that landed in our laps and I needed a day to just sort through my emotions.

Not to say that (thanks to raging and fluctuating hormones) my emotions aren't going to go up and down...but I am now so excited to look at those tiny pink lines on the test.

According to a pregnancy calculator, I am in my 6th week.

EDD of April 15, 2017.

The day before Easter.

Which is just 9 days after Levi's 5th birthday (April 6)!

That was a tough pill to swallow....I hate to think that the miserable last days of pregnancy may drag down his special day. Or that baby could possible be born on his birthday! Yikes!

How I'm Feeling This Week:

All day morning sickness.
No vomiting...just feeling nauseated all.day.long.

Heartburn
Not horrendous but it's showing up usually about once a day, typically in the evening

Gassy
hahahahaha...sorry....but it's true

Loss of appetite...but still hungry.
How is that even possible?! It's just that I'm hungry but nothing sounds good.

Sore breasts...and larger
I've never had this issue with my other pregnancies, but I've heard that lots of women experience it. I mean, my breasts have always gotten larger and fuller...but not this sore, yo!

Extremely tired.
I'm usually taking a nap every day. Levi cuddles in bed with me and we call it our "Date". hahaha

Cold Chills & Hot Flashes
Usually, I get cold chills most of the day...but then when I fall asleep, I wake up covered in sweat and burning up. All night long is spent bundling up and then taking off my clothes...putting them back on and cuddling under the blankets again and then waking up again all sweaty.

My stomach is HUGE.
Seriously. I look like I'm several months along!

Anxieties
I am just so worried that I am going to lose this baby

Mood Swings?
I am not having the angry outbursts I usually have early in pregnancy....sometimes I'll find myself wanting to cry randomly, but not too bad.







I think Gypsy knows I'm not feeling well...she's not leaving my side.
Even when I'm laid up in bed.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

I'M PREGNANT!!!


It all started with root beer.
Seriously.

For someone who hasn't drank soda in almost 3 years, a sudden desire for root beer raised my suspicions.

I was supposed to start my period the day after I dropped the kids off with my parents for their vacation in Ohio.

It never came.

That really made me start biting my nails.

Then the exhaustion hit after the kids got back.

I remembered that exhaustion...it's not the same as being sleepy or really tired. No, this is like Really Tired On Steroids and 50 Sleeping Pills.

My breasts have been hurting for a few weeks. Like majorly aching. And, is it my imagination, or do they actually feel heavier??

I've also been getting up once or twice a night to pee. Also, not typical for me.

Also, my feet and fingers have been slightly swollen for a few weeks. But that started awhile ago...in late July when we first moved into the house. I had a period that month. We chalked it up to the move in the heat and the hard floors. It subsided but came back after we took the kids up to my parents.

Antonio and I talked about my taking a test but I brushed it off, thinking of the many false alarms I've had over the last year or so...usually, I'd be a day or two late...or just have a "feeling"...and so I'd take a test, it'd be negative and then I'd start my period the very next day.

A waste of $8 or so. We usually buy the generic ones at Walmart...but sometimes he'd buy the more expensive $15 ones which would really piss me off, as who really wants to do nothing but pee on a $15 stick??

Before I progress with this story, let me give you the back story of how this happened,,,,well, not how it happened, yo....I'm sure there are some pay-per-view movies you can stream if you want all the sexy details. hahaha...but the logistics of it all....

In September of 2014 (a year after losing my little brother), I suffered a miscarriage. See, after Levi was born (2012), I had the Paragard IUD put in. I still ended up getting pregnant with it after it had been in proper placement (confirmed by ultrasound) for over 2 years. My miscarriage happened not too long afterwards. Heartbroken, I ended up having the IUD removed.

We had planned on practicing FAM (Fertility Awareness Method) as a form of natural birth control. But I was never able to get the hang of it. So we've just been using condoms since then.

And that apparently didn't work for us.

Yesterday (Aug 18), as I was fighting the good fight not to fall asleep on the chair in the playroom, I found a great deal on pregnancy tests. Not the kind you pee on, but the kind you dip in the pee cup, like at a doctor's office.

20 tests for $7.

You really can't beat that price! (to snag this deal for yourself, just CLICK HERE) Since I'm a Prime member, I was even eligible to have the tests delivered same day. So I ordered the kids some vitamins and myself some B12 (because if it's not pregnancy making me this tired, I better start getting some help, dude). And a lip gloss. Lip gloss for 2 reasons: one is because your order has to be at least $35 to get same-day-delivery...and second of all, well, heck, who really needs a second reason to order lip gloss??!

All day I waited for that Lasership delivery person to bring my package.

Then, when it came around dinner time, I didn't want to take it anymore. There was a very strong chance that I was going to take that test and it was going to change my life. Forever. So, well, forever is a long time and I could probably just wait til morning to change my life. (ever the procrastinator!!!) Plus, it's best to wait for higher HcG levels in your urine to take a pregnancy test and morning is the best time for elevated levels.

So morning it was!!!

Truthfully, I wasn't even going to take it in the morning. That's how freaked out I was.

But this morning came (Friday, August 19) and I woke up really early (thanks, Antonio's alarm clock!!) and...had to pee. Duh. I was still exhausted, despite having gone to bed at 8:30 last night...I figured that if I wasn't pregnant, I should probably begin to worry about this lethargy. So I needed to know.

I went to the bathroom and peed in a red Solo cup.

No joke. I really did. haha

I read the test instructions and they were super easy: dip test into the urine for 3 seconds. Wait 5 mins for results.

I peed.

I dipped.

I waited....for 5 seconds before both pink lines turned super dark!!

Suddenly, here I am: pregnant at 35 with my rainbow baby.

(Rainbow Baby: a baby born after a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal or infant loss)

I am terrified.

I have been having these horrific panic attacks over the last year, my psoas muscle is still giving me a lot of pain and I believe that I have a twisted sacrum due to a fall I had forgotten I had taken while gardening a couple of years ago. Walking, bending over, standing, even sleeping sometimes has me in pain.

Yes, yes, if anyone can make gardening a contact sport, it's me.

Plus, I'm 35....the glaring age of when troubles start becoming more abundant in pregnancies. The odds of having a baby with Down Syndrome or other chromosomal problem have increased.

::sigh::

Not to mention a whole different kind of problem....the bigger and scarier problem: telling the kids.

I think that Mahri will be ecstatic and super happy.

Christian is probably going to act happy but really be bummed.

Austin and Levi? PISSED.

They have already made it clear to me that I am never to have another baby.

Ever.

Let me sort through some emotions and clarify some things for you, lest I be seen as this horrible person that is not dancing in the streets with glee over this pregnancy right away....

Every one of my babies has been a surprise.

Never a mistake. NEVER.

God obviously has an agenda of His own.

Or the Universe, however you want to see it.

In fact, my OB/GYN recently pointed out why I get pregnant so easily and effortlessly, even while on birth control, (please do not think I am bragging or something like that...I know how many women would love to have just one baby but can't. My heart breaks for you, it really does. And I am very sorry if my post makes you sad or upsets you...this is just me sorting through some strong emotions about a monumental event in my life)....my doctor said that it appears that I am "releasing" at least 2 eggs a month on many months and that, frankly, he is surprised that I haven't had twins yet.

I've spent some time crying....knowing that I should be happy and grateful...but also knowing that this was not in my plans. My youngest two boys have me wore out. The other two are teens (well, Christian in 12 but that's close enough) and that keeps me busy with raging adolescent hormones and trying to prepare them for adulthood. And this year they are all doing homeschool.

Homeschooling....

High School

Middle School

Kindergarten

Preschool

....and pregnant?!!!

We also just moved the little boys out of our bedroom since we have room at the new house for them to sleep in the "Boys Room". I have finally been able to sleep after SO MANY YEARS of barely sleeping.

And now...it's starting all over again???

Our pool business is taking off and becoming so successful...but that means that Antonio is almost never home. He works 80-90 hours a week.

How am I going to do this?!!

That's the one side of my feelings.

The other is....I'm having a baby! A cute teeny tiny baby! Who will grow up and be just like my other kiddos who light up my entire world.

Also, I have a ton of cloth diapers saved, my high chair and swing are in storage, as are a ton of baby clothes! So woohoo for hoarding being prepared, right?!!

Well, that's all I've got for you for now. I'm planning on documenting this adventure and being completely honest with everything: the good and the bad. Possibly vlogging more. What do you think?? Are you guys ready to take this adventure with me??!

(P.S. Although I am typing this all up on August 19, I am not able to publish anything until after I tell my babies and my family....)

ETA: I'm sorry I forgot to mention this!! I was almost 6 weeks when we found out!!

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Kids Vacation: Day 2

Well, now you'd think they're having so much fun that they're forgetting to call their ol' mom.

::wink::

After trying to keep myself busy and my mind occupied, I ended up calling them at around 9:30 pm to check on them and make sure they were home safe.

I can't help it: I'm an incessant worrier, folks!!

As I suspected, they were just getting home and showering after their awesome day at the....

WATER PARK!!!!



Both Christian and Mahri (despite Christian's horrible fear of heights) went down the biggest, hugest and tallest water slide that the park had!!

And, as promised, Grandpa went down with them, if they were brave enough to go down, too.

Poor Grandpa.

hahahaha!!

Before water park:




After water park...much more exhausted:




Then she teases me with pictures of all of the delicious pizza they got to eat once they got back home. Meanie!!







I wish I had more details to give you all...but that's all I could squeeze out of anyone!

Like I said before, they're barely calling me anymore...and when they do, it's just "hi, mom! We're having fun! Gotta go! Bye!" hahahaha....::sob::

Stay tuned for more pictures of their adventure-filled vacation!!!

xoxo

PS...I miss my babies!!! They need to come SOON!!

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Kids Vacation: Day 1

Day 1 (Monday) without my big kids wasn't quite as bad as I thought it would be.

I got some cleaning down around the house, including my back patio and refrigerator, and just tried to keep myself busy.

Mahri and Christian called me via Google Hangouts in the morning just to check in and then called me for a regular ol' phone conversation at night to tell me about their day.

They are having SO MUCH FUN!!

(those of you who missed my little announcement in yesterday's blog post: my two oldest kids went to stay a week with my parents in Ohio. We met them this past Sunday in Kentucky (halfway point between Ohio and Georgia) to hand the kids off to them...and we'll be meeting them this coming weekend to get them back!)

First, they went to tour a candy factory. I took them to it when they were younger, but they don't remember it, so they were able to watch everything yesterday with "fresh" eyes. Mahri was so excited because she could wave to the workers through the overhead windows and they would happily wave back to her.

Christian was thrilled with the fact that he could buy 10 freshly made candy bars for $10 in the gift shop.

Photo courtesy: Have Sippy Will Travel

It's all about perspective, people.

hahaha

Free samples were a hit...duh. ::wink::




They also bought what they claim are the best gelato cones in the world.

Considering that none of us have ever had gelato before, I will have to take their word for it.

Mahri got strawberry and Christian got vanilla.



Later in the day, they went on a SIX mile canoe trip!

Photo courtesy: Wonderopolis



In her attempt to avoid a low-hanging spider web (with huge resident spider) that was in their direct path, Mahri ended up flipping the canoe and knocking herself and my mom into the water!

My dad had to get out and help the upright their canoe and get them back in.

They saw leeches, enormous catfish, huge oysters (they have freshwater oysters in Ohio?!!) and all sorts of other cool water-dwelling creatures!

Mahri was supposed to email me pictures of their adventures....I wanted to put them in this post, but she hasn't sent them yet...so you may just have to wait a little longer for them, okey-dokey?

Oh, and guess what Antonio saw just outside of our fence Monday night when we were letting the dog out before bedtime?

A deer!

Living in Atlanta, you don't see too much wildlife like that on a daily basis, especially practically in your own backyard, so we were quite excited!

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

First Time Fishing!!

Those of you who follow me on Instagram might remember my posting pics of this a few weeks ago...but we didn't have internet connection at the house yet, so it's been waaaaiting to be posted for you all!!

.......

After MUCH begging on the boys' part, they finally got to go fishing!!

Christian immediately, upon arriving at the lake, picked up his chair, put on his shades and moved down the shoreline further, to pretend that he didn't know us.

Because he's 12.

haha

Not really...he still yelled to us every once in awhile...but for the most part, he was a lone fisherman.

Levi was a master caster.

Yeah.

I totally said "master caster".

We got him one of those little weighted plastic fish and fake hooks that are supposed to teach kids how to cast...and secretly I mocked the selling ploy....but it totally worked!!

Within a couple of hours, he was casting better than Antonio and all the rest of the kids!

Austin soon realized that fishing was not quite as exciting as he had anticipated and began complaining about hot and sweaty he was.

All in all, the only thing we caught was a sunburn but it was still a ton of fun!!











We can't wait to go back again!!!!!

Monday, August 8, 2016

My Life With Severe Anxiety



So, I've been wrestling with if I should post this or not.

I don't want to look like I'm whining.

Or complaining, hypochondriacking (sp?), etc...

But I realize that I never updated you on a bunch of things that were going on before...

Okay, so remember when I was talking about that weird dizziness/fuzzy-headedness I was having?

It was so bad that I couldn't even drive.

It went away for awhile....but now it's back and I majorly hesitate before going anywhere (where I would have to drive)...and even then, it's really just on an almost-emergency basis.

I blamed a multitude of other things: black mold, electronic meters...remember that?

My inner ears and jaw were beginning to ache.

I began thinking that I had a brain tumor or something.



I know, it sounds hilarious and super dramatic. But I'm totally serious. I mean, what would YOU think if you started being so dizzy and lightheaded that you couldn't drive and then it was combined with pain in your ear and whatnot?

Well, months ago, I ended up getting an email from a wonderful friend, Danielle, from my Sunday School class. She had been reading my blog and something about my posts resonated with her.

She delicately explained how she had been through strikingly similar things....right down to the fuzzy-head and thinking she was dying...her doctor even sent her in for some serious testing...but it turns out it was severe anxieties.

I don't know if Danielle will ever know how much she changed my world for the better.

One morning, I woke up and went to the bathroom, (sorry TMI...but you probably have gone to the bathroom a time or two, also) and realized that I was unconsciously clenching my jaw. Tightly. That had to explain why my head, jaw and ears were aching so much: I had been clenching my teeth in my sleep without realizing it!

I went and bought some Hylands Nerve Tonic from Walmart (of all places) and began taking it.

Within a few days, I noticed that the dizziness was subsiding partially.

That had to mean something, right???

I began taking it regularly and trying to relax. Not think that something was terminally wrong with me, that it was just stress playing tricks on my mind.

And things got a whole lot better!

The dizziness/weird feeling all but disappeared!

My jaw/ears/head stopped aching!!

I stopped thinking that I was dying every 10 minutes. Seriously. I know that sounds funny and borderline crazy...but that's the level I was at. Monthly breast exams? Nah, dude, I was giving myself a breast exam 2-3 times...a day. 

I have never had this bad of an issue with anxieties before. This was horrific. Many times, my kids or Antonio found me huddled on the floor, sobbing.

I mean, to put it into perspective: imagine that you knew you were dying. 100% knew it. You were leaving your kids, your husband, your entire life behind. Imagine the grief. The worry. The fear. THAT is exactly how I felt.

But when I began feeling relief and could actually see that it was all in my head (in a manner of speaking), I was able to relax more. Which helped. I mean, it sounds soooo simplistic, but it's the truth.

Now, with all of the moving-to-a-new house stuff going on and the kids fighting non-stop because they are hot and were tired of being cooped up in the trailer and aren't occupied with school stuff, it's starting to come back. All of the drama, sadness, cruelty on Facebook was bogging me down, too. That's one reason I left. I don't have time for petty crap.

I am trying to refrain from freaking out about health issues.

I've been clenching my teeth at night again.

Like I mentioned earlier, my head has begun the spinny/lightheaded thing again.

My throat closes on me when I'm eating.

I bought some more Nerve Tonic (this is not a sponsored post, yo...the stuff just works for me)...and I take it when I remember. (GAH! My memory SUCKS!!) But I don't remember to take it regularly. I thought that moving into the new house would help alleviate the stress...but it really didn't because things just aren't letting up.

My dearly beloved husband thought that it would be the best possible choice to wait until THE VERY LAST DAY of July to move out. The locks would be changed in the morning. The kids and I had been making mini-hauls with our van while Antonio was working...but he didn't rent the U-Haul until the last day.

Can you say STRESSFUL?!!

I cried. A lot.

I ended up going home around 11 pm with the littlest two kiddos to put them to bed...but Antonio and the big kids didn't finish until almost 4 am.

So that DEFINITELY didn't help with my anxiety.

Then I had to get my two oldest kids ready for an out-of-state trip to stay with my parents for a week. And most of our stuff was still packed up!!

Given that I've never been away from my kiddos for that long....let alone have been in a different state than them...it's really got me down. My mom commented a few times (when we met them in KY to give them the big kids) how I wasn't looking good. I explained to her that my head was spinning, I felt weak and just plain out-of-it. Anxiety attacks that just won't stop.

Every day is a battle to conquer anxiety...usually, though, I'm just barely making it through the day in one piece and mostly tear-free.

I take deep breaths and purposely tell myself that I am okay.

This is just a game my brain is playing.

Don't fall for it.

Why am I putting all of this "out there"??

Because maybe it will help somebody.

The way that Danielle helped me.
(thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, Danielle!!!)

Maybe someone will read it and know that they aren't alone.


To know that there is hope out there. That there's light at the end of the tunnel. That they're not crazy. That life will get a whole lot sunnier...the clouds just need to clear. It's okay to ask for help!! It's not a sign of weakness.

I love you.

You hear me??

I LOVE YOU.